Recognizing Toxic Relationships: Warning Signs to Watch For

Roses are red, as are warning flags and red flags should not be ignored in any healthy relationship.

This Valentine’s Day focus on yourself and take an honest look at how those in your life are treating you. BACP counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin, founder of The Grace Project looks at the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship,  how a relationship can affect you emotionally and psychologically and how to protect yourself.  

We’re approaching Valentine’s Day at warp speed, feeling soft and mushy after our festive fill of romcoms, soit’s worth reflecting on our own relationships, not just those served up in celluloid with a side of soft focus. While feelgood stories are appealing, they can result in a tendency to ignore, minimise, or deny, red flags. Such overly sweet happiness is rarely the stuff of real life.

Margaret comments: “To stay safe in relationships I would suggest paying equal, if not more, attention to how you feel as well as what you hear and see. Often, predators and abusers are adept at saying the right things, knowing what you want to hear and what works.

They are accomplished manipulators. Initially, you may be told how handsome/gorgeous/successful you are and how fortunate this potential partner feels to have found you. There may be gifts and trips and flattery and it’s all, simply perfect, except you are feeling stressed or unsure or something that you cannot describe but it feels “off.”

You may have anxiety because of poor treatment in previous relationships and wariness is a fair position to take but if it feels like anything listed below, give yourself credit for protecting yourself.

Instead of being distracted by the superficial, trust your feelings in the relationship. All may look fine but what’s going on for you emotionally and psychologically? There may be a tendency to minimise the internal warning signs or underplay the implications of a difficult conversation or situation, to keep the peace. Please don’t. Advocate for yourself. 

Recognising warning signs of an unhealthy relationship – ask yourself do you feel:

• Confused:  This may result from a contradiction between what is said to you and what you see or know to be fact.
• Unsafe: You want to question something your partner said or did but don’t in case it escalates. If there is any kind of physical intimidation, please get to safety. You do not deserve to be shouted at, pushed, and shoved or have things thrown around. That is violence. 
• Dismissed:   Being told that you are “too sensitive,” “emotional,” “uptight,” “frigid” and similar when you object to an unpleasant comment.
• Criticised:  Because you have an opposing opinion, decided to spend money or do something without “permission,” or have a different way of doing something that results in you being called useless and stupid.
• Anxious:  If you are waiting to see what mood a person is in then that is not good. Not good at all. It means you are constantly in a state of alertness, and this is stressful. That is no life.
• Controlled:Maybe it doesn’t sound like control, more like – “are you sure you should eat that?”;  “I don’t want you to go out and get tired, stay with me tonight, your friends can see you another time”; “You look cold, maybe another jumper?”.  Control often creeps into relationships and can be devious and cunning. Tracking, in the name of looking out for you, is sometimes control that goes unrecognized. It’s controlling because if you bring it up it may be met with defensiveness or an attack in which you are characterized as spoiled, ungrateful and unappreciative of a partner who cares that much. If you did not give consent and feel it’s off then you are likely, spot on. 
• Diminished:After some time, your spirit may dim. You have less hope, energy, friends, hobbies, and ambition. You may be propping yourself up with coping strategies; alcohol, food, sex, substances – look at what behaviours you are engaged in in this relationship that numb the feelings. Honestly assess their role, without judgement. 

Family and friends may not be supportive. They, too, may have been charmed, groomed, and manipulated as much as you. Don’t expect everyone to understand the pain you are in.

Manage your expectations when you start to move away from the relationship – disappointed parents who want a grandchild, the friends who say “you look so good together” and those who try and convince you that you are going to regret this decision.  Stick close to those who genuinely care about you. 

This Valentine’s Day focus on yourself and take an honest look at how those in your life are treating you. If it is less than respectful, gift yourself the decision to walk away.

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma.

She founded The Grace Project in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatization of diagnosis.